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Yo God! Listen Up

Yo! Playboy God

Disclaimer: If you are religious and get offended with anyone being casual about god or can’t handle things in a lighthearted way, this is not for you.

Yo God,

Why didn’t you reply to my last letter?. I guess you were busy preventing Salman Rushdie from attending the Jaipur Literary Festival. Dude, you may have managed to convince everyone to think that you are angry with him because he wrote nasty things about you, but only few know the truth. I know that it was a revenge on a bald old man for messing with one of your beautiful creations Padma lakshmi. Screw that man! I am with you, how dare he.

Let me come to the point. Continuing from my last letter about creating  improved version of human beings, I have one nagging question in my mind, it’s an adult question, hope you don’t mind. You gave us eyes to see, ears to hear, nose to breathe etc. Most parts have major function associated with them and some like mouth have multiple functions to eat and speak. But what is this joke about procreation dude. How on earth, heaven and hell did you manage to conceive the idea of procreation? What were you thinking? We get ideas about it after watching porn but from where did you get the idea?

What made you combine the excretory and reproductive systems? You know how difficult it is to teach kids about sex education because of what you have done. Parents teach the kids when they are young not to roam around naked, shame, shame puppy shame etc. When they grow up and are suddenly exposed to the fact that being shame shame puppy shame is the elixir of life on earth, what respect will they have for their parents?

You must have been one hell of a playboy to have thought something like this. Are you related to Hugh Hefner?  Tell me why you did this? You just wanted to have the sadistic pleasure of seeing people entangled in weird angles or you wanted to prove to the world that you exist by creating something so complicated. The only reason I am agnostic and not an atheist is because of this. Man can invent so many things, but he can’t match this innovation of yours.

Anyway, I just had my doubts so asked. Now, don’t change the design for this in the next version and make us asexual. Though its complicated, its fun. But give us some options, we should be able to program our act before we get into it. Some of the options you can include are

Setting Options
Duration T20, 1 ODI, 3 ODI Series, Test Match
Ambient Noise reduction Alone in the house, Parents in the house, Outdoor
Positions Options from Wikipedia page on positions
Type Premarital,Marital, Extramarital
Partner Natural, Unnatural, Super-Natural
Want to have baby Yes, No

If the type is premarital or extramarital, then want to have baby option must be disabled. For type Marital the want to have baby setting should be mandatory, with default option set to “No”. If  it’s changed to “Yes”, a warning message as below should appear

“You have chosen “Yes” for want to have baby setting. Are you sure that you want to get screwed after you screw?”.

Also add some access control system to tackle the menace of insane men who are out on the prowl raping women and children. The moment they think of committing the heinous crime, there must be a warning message

“Beware! you have just thought about rape, one more time you think about it, your reproductive system will self-destruct permanently”.

Ok boss, that’s it for today. I have written something raunchy, so at least leave a comment for this.

Regards
Your friend

Discussion

8 thoughts on “Yo! Playboy God

  1. Well, I could make a serious comment (as to why God invented sex) but it would undo your humour above, so I’ll quit while your ahead. The cricket reference is the best… married men often find it difficult to broach the topic of sex with their wives but giving them cricket terminology could be revolutionary! Cheers mate, God loves you.

    Posted by Peter Hallett | February 8, 2012, 11:19 am
    • Thanks Peter :). More than why he invented, its the how he thought of the way we do it. That intrigues me, anyway it is just light hearted way to look at it :) no offence meant.

      Posted by Asif | February 8, 2012, 11:31 am
  2. Loved it; keep it up.

    dont you think that “you wanna get screwed after you screw” may be more appropriate in case of “extramarital”

    Posted by Kapil Viren Ahuja | February 8, 2012, 11:36 am
  3. Super-natural??? hahaha.. well put. Do you remember how we mugged up the 12th std chemistry equations and physics essays??? how did we?? tuition masters and repeated tests. We should be able to get that same scenario w.r.t sex education as well, before marriage and after separation like improvement exams. tuition?? uh oh I think I am getting ahead of myself here ;-) we shouldn’t even watch a good liplock in the living room in India, can we?? (sighs)…

    Posted by arzvi | February 8, 2012, 1:00 pm

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