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Opinion

How to enjoy the profiling (racial/regional) by Airline and Airport Security

First let me talk about Airline security (while traveling to some countries this may not apply), this is the profiling before you actually check-in and get a boarding pass.

Believe that you are the chosen one

Make sure you arrive at the airport not too early and not too late. You will understand what i mean when you read the whole post.

Now to start with how many people can boast of being profiled or singled out!, to enjoy the profiling you need to first believe that you are indeed “the chosen one”.

If you are lucky, you would have to go through a 1 to 1.30 hour “routine” procedure of clarifying a “few” questions.

What was your score

The criteria for being profiled as i understand could be any or all or combination of the below

+ has he/she visited any islamic states

+ could he/she be a muslim

+ is he/she traveling alone

+ is he/she getting into the country for the first time

+ could he/she be someone who could be used as a carrier.

I meet every criteria every time :) and probably the highest scorer on the plane most of the times. So naturally i am always overjoyed, I was never a topper always in my school.

Note : For the one’s who fail to meet all the criteria, don’t get bogged down, the fact that you are getting profiled in itself is a big achievement. Being profiled is like going to Olympics, participation is important that winning.

You pick them and don’t let them pick you

This is by far the most important and tricky part of the process that will define how much you can enjoy the whole process. You need to pick the person with whom you wish to go through the “routine” procedure with rather than they choosing you.  Don’t just jump into any Q at the airport to check in, grab a cup of coffee, stand a few yards away from the Q and casually sip the coffee and monitor which Q is (wo)manned by whom and lock the target. (Baad kya hai bhai…line main lag jaa!! :)) Now a days most of the airlines employ female staff  and its a lot easier.

Objective is to be Clear and to Confuse

Once the lady starts telling you that its a routine procedure for new passengers etc etc. Just give a sarcastic smile and carry on answering their questions with a lot of patience. They will be curt and sometimes rude. (Some nuts are always had to crack! so lage raho!) Don’t be a cashew nut yourself and try to strike a conversation immediately, start slow. Without interrupting their work you can start asking them about how long they have been at the airline and which part of the country they are from and so on and so forth. Be polite, be funny at times, be chivalrous, in case the lady drops something down etc, be mildly annoyed at times too, don’t forget that your objective is to confuse. At the end of the session she should be in a dilemma as to whether you were annoyed with the whole procedure or you actually enjoyed going through it. Just be sauve and neat and you will not know if it was an hour or two :) and you would always want to be profiled every time you travel.

The Perks of Being Profiled

Apart from the pride of scaring an airline, a nation and enjoying the conversation with the lady, you get escorted by another lady (not a lady escort) to the boarding gate to quickly get you through the immigration and security check, beating the Q. (remember! i told you not to be too late and not too early to the airport, you have to time it well) . Getting profiled for an airline security check is always a good thing.

Airport Security in a Foreign Country

The Airport Security check, the check that happens after you land in a foreign country by the respective security agency of the country at the airport. This one is much trickier, men mostly don’t enjoy this that much (as the people at the security are usually grumpy men), but the ladies can use the same tips mentioned above.

All men can do is just make sure that they annoy the security guys without overdoing it, the art is to be really subtle!

1. Have a unique fashion sense that should put people to laugh. (Be creative, Nethi la pattai, kaluthula uthiratcha kottai etc!, a few pendants of few gods and a few threads on your arm, wrist, waist etc.)

2. Google for funny quotes on the country you are visiting, edit it a little bit to not be very offensive but attention grabbing. Print it on a t-shirt and wear it. (Best is something transliterated to english from your own language with attention grabbing english words “Dei Obama, Airport la aal vechi check panriya..Come to my ooru! unna i will take care”). Make sure you have a explanation for it!.

3. Speak in your local accent!! even if you have a stylish one and enjoy seeing them decode what you said, like Indian Accent for example. (Saar! actually… do you wand me 2 remove the pant also…)

4. Keep only unique items in your handbag that people have not seen in the country that you are visiting. (A plastic hand to scratch your back, langot, lungi, etc)

5. Wear an underwear in the same colors as the flag of the country that you are visiting, preferably of the brand of the country that you are visiting. (Just in case  they ask you to undress, you can enjoy the look on their faces while they enjoy seeing you semi-naked)

Final Word

These tips might not get you through the Security Check quickly, but you will definitely enjoy the look on the people’s faces. Use it at your own risk! :) If you had a good time, then blog about it! :)

Though there is a always a huge hue and cry about it, I am not against profiling by any means. It is necessary, we all do it, we all have homes that are locked up and secure and we let people in based on our assumption of who are safe to enter. As long as it happens in a professional manner, no one should have any qualms about it, as it is done to keep everyone safe.

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